


Drowning

by Charlie9646



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Accident, Angst, Emotional, Established Relationship, Grieving, Happy Ending, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, M/M, Mental Illness, Remus Lupin Lives, Severus Snape Lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-02-23 13:33:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23745526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlie9646/pseuds/Charlie9646
Summary: “I miss him; I miss his stupid potions. I miss his stupid mocking laughter. I miss his kisses. I miss him in bed with me. I miss everything. I miss things I can't describe and might never totally understand. I want my husband back, Hermione Jean Granger. I don't want his things gone. I want him here. You can't understand it because you haven't ever lost someone like him. You barely even knew him.”
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Severus Snape
Comments: 4
Kudos: 84





	Drowning

  
Since you've been gone I've had to find

Different ways to grieve

There's days that I don't even want it on my mind

But tonight I'm weak

So, I'm gonna pull out pictures, ones with you in 'em

Laugh and cry a little while reminiscing

By myself

I can't help

That all I think about is

How you were taken way too soon

It ain't the same here without you

I gotta say, missing you comes in waves

And tonight I'm drowning 

  
  


He was gone, and all that’s left is the memories, photos of a life lived and a life lost. There wasn't even anything to bury; he was missing and had been for six months. When all that’s left is some photos and the person’s things? It can feel as if they might walk in the door tomorrow or that they had never even lived at all. Remus picked up a shirt; Merlin was he really that crazy? He ended up sticking his nose in it. It smelled like him, Severus, still. It was that woodsy herbal potion smell that seemed to cling to everything that the other man wore or touched. 

Hermione would be here soon to help him pack up Severus’ things, to go through them, but honestly, Remus didn't want to do that. He wanted to leave the shirts hanging in the closet, the bundle of herbs on the table the man left. Severus had such a bad habit of leaving his things lying around, didn't he? 

The world felt as if it was spinning out of control, twisting and turning around him. It wasn't supposed to be like this. They were supposed to grow old together. To spend their days, together, happy the way the world was supposed to be. Angry boiled up inside of him like a hot iron burning through your coat after it had been left on too long. Everything upset him, every single sharp emotional detail. He walked over to the kitchen table, grabbing up the white mug from breakfast, still half full of tea and threw it against the wall. 

It shattered into a million pieces, or at least it looked like. The cold tea stained the wall. Merlin, bloody hell he shouldn't have done that. Why did he think that was a good idea? Severus would be so angry. He took pride in all the things that they owned, after having grown up with so little.

No, actually he wouldn't because Severus wasn't alive to be angry.

I hate this, Remus thought, every single bloody detail of it. I shouldn't be behaving like this. I shouldn't ruin the few things that I have. Severus and I worked so hard for these things, and now that he's gone I am destroying them. 

He could hear it just barely hear someone sticking a key in the door, being a werewolf had some benefits, even if they were few. Remus’s knees gave out on him, causing him to fall to the oak wood floor. Hermione stepped into the kitchen, ”You're not doing well, are you, Remus?”

Remus stared up at her, the girl he had known for years with her wild curls that stuck out like a Christmas tree, her warm brown eyes and her kind smile. Hermione looked worried about him; he could see it on her face. It reflected the pain that he felt. They had become friends over the years, her and Severus. It was unexpected at first, though looking back it wasn't shocking. The man and woman were both nerds; they could go on and on about things that most people wouldn't even care about. 

No one else cared about theoretical magic with words that no one else could understand. Hermione too, had lost her friend. Remus needed to be honest with her, truly and totally honest with her. ”I am not doing well, Hermione. I miss him so damn much. I don't want to get rid of his things; I don't want him to be gone. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Severus promised he was not going to take any more stupid chances. He promised me he wouldn’t.”

”Severus Snape from what I have learned about him over all these years is not someone to do something without thought. I know he wouldn't have done it without thinking he had to. And we don't know what actually happened. I can promise you, Remus Lupin, he didn’t want to leave you any more than you wanted him to be gone. The world doesn't work on what we want, though. You're allowed to leave things as they are if you choose you know that, right?”

”Then why did you offer to help me box up his things?” Remus asked, grabbing a rag to clean up the wall. It thankfully hadn’t yet dried and came off rather easily. Without thinking, he went to pick up the shards of the mug. Remus ended up cutting his finger on a piece of it. 

”Remus, let me do that,” Hermione murmured. With a wave of her wand, the chips of ceramic vanished. ”I offered to help you box up his things because at Sunday dinner it seemed like you wanted to. I only wanted to do what you seemed like you wanted to. Remus, Severus wouldn't care if you packed his things up or not. All he cared about was you the rest was window dressings of life.”

”I miss him; I miss his stupid potions. I miss his stupid mocking laughter. I miss his kisses. I miss him in bed with me. I miss everything. I miss things I can't describe and might never totally understand. I want my husband back, Hermione Jean Granger. I don't want his things gone. I want him here. You can't understand it because you haven't ever lost someone like him. You barely even knew him.”

”Remus...” She whispered. 

”Just go. Okay? Just get out of here. You can't fix it. You can't fix me. The only way you can fix it is to bring him back, ” he snarled, staring up at her sharply. ”I feel like I am drowning. Like the waves are pulling me down and I can't get my head above water—some unseeable force is keeping me down. I want my husband and don't come back until you or Harry have news. Whether that be, he's alive or I finally have a body to bury.”

“If you want to talk? Owl me or call me,” Hermione whispered. “You're not alone, my friend, no matter that it feels like that.”

“Just go, okay, get out!” Remus growled, “I don’t want you here, don’t you get that? I want him. Everything I touch is ruined or dies—even him. I want my husband back! Not some stupid little know-it-all who can’t just leave things be.”

“I am still your friend Remus, Harry, Ron, the rest of the Weasleys and the rest of the Order are your friends. We are here for you. But right now? I am going to let you be. Like I said here if you need to talk.”

*******************

It took six months to find him—six bloody months to find Severus, in the dungeon of some stupid Death Eater’s manor. They had kidnapped him after the accident at the lab, likely set it up to punish him for helping the Order during the war. Part of Remus wondered though, if the Aurors just didn't deem him worthy of their time. They should have been able to find him sooner, but that is what made it the perfect crime. No one could live through what happened.

Severus was skin and bones, and he was terrified of the Aurors who found him. Severus wouldn't speak to anyone. Somehow they got him to St Mungos, which Remus was grateful for. 

Step by step, the man walked closer to the hospital room that held his lover. No one seemed willing to look him the eyes. They clearly pitied him. Not that Remus even cared all that much. His husband, assumed to be dead was alive. Any other storm they could weather, and they would do it together. 

Hermione sat outside of Severus’s room; her face was pinched and looked like she hadn't slept all that much. Looking up at him with her warm brown eyes, ”Remus, he's not who was before. They tried to do their very best to break him. Severus is quite well—he’s quite jumpy. But, he's asking for you. I think you might bring him some comfort and calm him as well.”

”So he's talking? They told me before I came, he wasn't. Not that I care,” Remus whispered with unshed tears in his eyes. ”I am just happy to have him back. To know he's safe. Nothing else honestly matters.”

”He wrote it down. I gave him a pad to do that. I thought it was worth at least a shot like what he did after the snake. Severus might be sleeping, and he doesn’t like being around a ton of people. He’s jumpy and nervous. He doesn’t like being touched. Just follow his lead and let him know you still love him.”

Remus twisted the brass doorknob in his hand. He opened it slowly. Severus sat on the hospital bed his hair hanging in his gaunt face. The pale blue hospital gown and robe hung off his narrow shoulders, that stuck out like a pole in the ground. His eyes were sunken in, his pale fingers clutching a pen and notepad in his lap. 

”Severus?” Remus whispered, crying now not being able to hold back the tears. Severus was alive truly alive. He was sitting there, right in front of him. ”Merlin, I missed you so much. I am sorry we didn't find you sooner. I should have looked more. I should have made them look more. I love you, so much, that I can't even begin to put it into words.”

Severus’ wrote down a few simple words and then showed them to Remus. _Not your fault. I missed you and come over here, you silly wolf. I just want you to hold me._ Remus did what he was told. They clung to each other like they were drowning, supporting one another in a way that they couldn't do alone. When all seems lost, remember at the bottom of the box is still hope. 

”Sometimes, when all you can feel is pain, it reminds you that you are still alive.”

”When all seemed lost, you were there waiting for me. Reminding someone still cared.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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